Today did not suck

Took M. to my work so she could have a visual of where I am when she's at school. So she introduced herself to all my coworkers, of course, and said her current stereotype "you're silly" to our admin lead which confused the woman a bit since she wasn't doing anything at all, and I didn't preface the visit with any autism labels so she was just momentarily puzzled then hopefully brushed it off... but it could have gone so much worse and I am grateful for a good day, which was pretty long and started with preschool end of the year party at Naydenov gymnastics, then class picnic at a park, then home for a bit, then visiting my work, then another park. The only crying fits today were at the second park when M. bumped her head like she usually does, and then when she was climbing down a jungle gym ladder and a child approached the ladder from the top, which set M. off screaming because one time someone came down the ladder behind her and stepped on her fingers, therefore irrational fear etched in permanent memory.

I'm big

"I'm big! I don't need help because I am BIG!" M. told me off as I was taking her to the bathroom at a church event and had tried to steer her around some obstacles. So she really told me, looking over her shoulder at me, as she swaggered along, and I reached out to steer her again, because she was walking straight into a wall.

...

The screaming crying freak out record for gymnastics has been broken. M. made it through a class without crying. All week we discussed self control, and how she can learn to stop herself before she cries, like she learned to stop herself from hitting her teacher at school, like she had been doing (not hitting in anger, but compulsive hitting to say hi, get her attention, etc). And that if she cried again at gymnastics we wouldn't be going back. It's very difficult for her to stop her compulsive behaviors and crying is one of them. The slightest frustration and her reaction is to cry--loudly, wailing, streaming tears, red face, choking, gagging, the works. Two or three times when she wanted the teacher to help but the teacher was busy with another kid, or she couldn't do something just right, she burst out briefly, then looked over at me with sudden fear, and stopped herself. I also helped by making sure she had a no-sugar snack before gymnastics, was dressed in very light clothing (she's easily overheated), and informed the teacher of possible triggers like being touched unexpectedly and feeling crowded.

Gymnastics - 4th session, Lesson 1

After 3 sessions of gymnastics, M. is already on track for a perfect record of screaming crying freak-outs in her 4th session. The first two sessions she attended was during her name phobia phase, so she flipped out any time the coach called her name. So that was miserable. For everyone. Then by her 3rd try she was over the name problem, but suddenly decided she was terrified to go upside down on the bars, which meant a lot of screaming crying freak-outs, since the coach pushed her to keep trying. So that was miserable too. For everyone. And now for her 4th try, M. has decided to take offense at being told what to do (which is kinda the coach's job) and to scream, cry, freak out and storm out of the class. So today was miserable also. For everyone.

"But you can't even tell any difference," the woman next to me replied when I told her M. is mildly autistic, which is what EVERYONE says and that's why I hate telling people. But I wanted to offer at least some explanation for M.'s lunatic behavior besides just that she's a bratty, out of control kid.

However, one of the kids in M.'s class could sure tell, though she didn't say anything. But I knew she knew something was off, the way she stood quietly beside me, looking up at me with wide curious eyes, then at M. (still crying and wailing), then back up at me to see my reaction, with the kind of searching eye contact I am not used to from my own kid. That right there is the difference.