The big question

M. figured out that since she used to be in my tummy, that I also used to be in Grandma's tummy. Then she asked if her BFF was also in her mommy's tummy. And if her BFF was ever in her daddy's tummy. I said no, just the mommies tummies only. And M. made a swallowing gesture, pointing to her stomach: "like this?"

As if the mommies EAT the babies.

"No, not like that."

Then I froze, afraid of where this was going, and sure enough it went there.

"Then why did the babies get into the tummies?"

Dead when I am sleeping

"I am dead when I am sleeping."... "No dead is if you never stop sleeping--until God wakes you up."... "God wakes me up when it's six o'clock." (So that's how she does it--wakes up every damn morning at 6 sharp without an alarm clock.)

Simple logic

"Poop is thunder and pee is lightning." (Naturally)

She doesn't care about elephants

M. wanted to get her cousin a birthday card to go with his gift.

Me: "I don't think little boys care about birthday cards."
M.: "Yeah, like I don't care about elephants."
Me: ???
M.: "What does CARE means?"

Michael Jackson is not alive

The song Billy Jean was on the radio and M. seemed to like it so I told her the man singing is Michael Jackson.

"Who he is?" she wanted to know.

I said something like, he's a man who sang lots of songs. And then I added that he's not alive anymore.

"I'm not alive either," M. said.

"Yes, you are," I corrected.

"NO. I'M. NOT!" M. insisted, giving me angry eyebrows.

Then after a pause.

"Mommy, what does alive means?"

monsters, ghosts and aliens

"Mommy, you can follow me. I like you to follow me. But I don't like anyone else to follow me--like monsters, ghosts, and ALIENS."

She only said it three times

M.: "It's a Cathy's bus song."

M.: "It's a Cathy's bus song."

M.: "It's a Cathy's bus song."

M.: "I said that three times."

Me: "I know."

Huh?

'The giraffe in the garden' and 'the bunny in the hole': the unauthorized verses of 'farmer in the dell'

After school conversation

M.: "But I want to talk...!"

Me: "Okay. Talk."

M.: "But Miss Thompson said no."

Me: "Miss Thompson said she doesn't want you to talk?"

M.: "Yeah, she said that's enough!"

(laughed very hard to myself)

When I am 100

"Mommy, when I am 100 I will go to God, and you will like pink."

(Maybe by then, but I really doubt it)

The rug

Had to throw out the crappy ol' rug today that has been under the table for years. Way too much pudding and other sticky spills on it so the ants came marching. M. came home and saw the rug was gone, and freaked out.

"I want the rug back! I want the rug back! WAAAAAaaaaaa!"

If the rug sets her off like that, just wait until she finds out we're moving.

Stranger Danger

All I could get from the library about stranger danger is one tired, outdated book from the 1980s with too many words and too few pictures. Still, I hoped at least SOME of the message might sink in.

But no.

In the end, all we came away with was this:

"Strangers are soooooo strangerly."

And the stock photo of the boy running through a field used to illustrate how kids should run from strangers was a particular highlight. While the boy is yelling, "Get away from me!" to the stranger, and, "You are not my mother!" and "You are not my father!", M. took this to mean that the boy is yelling to the stranger, "I am not your mother! I am not your father!" and even taking it further to add her own, "I am not your grandma! I am not your grandpa! I am not your teacher!" while laughing hysterically.

New games

M. and I were in the backyard enjoying this rare 80 degree April day. We were playing frisbee when she suddenly looked around and exclaimed, "Hey! I have a new game we can play!"

What the hell, I thought. Who am I to crush her creativity? And I wanted us to stay outdoors as long as possible before bedtime since the rain will be back tomorrow.

So she taught me the new game. It goes like this:

M.: "You are NO, and I am YES."

Me: "Okay."

M.: "So do it."

Me: "Do what?"

M.: "Say no."

Me: (??????????) "No."

M.: "Yes."

Me: "No?"

M.: "Yes."

Me: "No."

M.: "Yes."

Me: "Okay, that's enough."

And seeing that's all there was to the "game," I walked away to do something else.

Apparently this new game can also be played alone, since M. marched around shouting, "NO-YES-NO-YES-NO-YES-NO-YES-NO-YES-NO--" as fast as she could for quite some time.

Later, she taught me a similar "game," called I WIN. It's where she arbitrarily yells, "I win! You didn't win!"

..............

I think these games of hers are rigged.

Over dinner...

"Hey Mommy?"

"What?"

"I don't like ladies."

"Okay."

"But I like this lady." (points at me)

"Okay."

"And I like Christian's mommy and Grandma, but I don't like other ladies, right Mommy?"

"Okay."

"I don't like the ladies on tv."

"Okay."

"I don't like the ladies on tv because they say 'cluded' lots of times and I don't like them saying that."

"Okay."

"Right Mommy? They say 'cluded' lots of times, right?"

"Okay."

[there's one commercial often aired on Qubo where a woman does use the word "included" and I always hear M. grumbling at it, so that must be where this is coming from]

"I don't like that word and that's why I don't like ladies."

"Okay."

[Then a shape in her spoon of macaroni and cheese catches her eye]

"Hey! This looks like pants!"

"Okay."

...

And so it goes, on and on, all day long, the talking never stops.

S is for...

"Sssssssnake.....and...Ssssssnail....
and...Sssssstop it! You're Sssssstinky!"

A foregone conclusion (not necessarily)

Forgot to include the ending to the last outing to Burgerville with my parents:

After we got home M. said, "And I didn't punch Grandma in the nose!"

Because last time she did.

I can see him with my glasses

M.: "I'm god and you're god too, Mommy."
Me: "Nope. There is only one God. He's like a friend that lives far away, so far away we can't see him."
M.: "But I can see him--with my glasses now!"

The meaning of life

M.: "Mommy, after I brush teeth I'm going to DIE."
Me: ???
M.: "Actually... I'm going to read a book first."
Me: "Okay."
M.: "And then after I read a book... I'm going TO BE DEAD." (with dramatic flourish)
Me: ???
M.: "Because die means sleep."